…And This Box Is Too Small For Me
A manifesto about chasing emotionally unavailable partners and unfulfilling careers.
Do you feel boxed in at work, in a role too small for you, performing tasks that confine your potential to a lesser space?
I had written this as a personal manifesto against chasing emotionally unavailable partners. But I realized that it is just as applicable to those of us longing to do and achieve more at work.
Walt Whitman’s Song of Myself is one of my favorite poems. Here’s the key verse:
Do I contradict myself?
Very well then I contradict myself,
(I am large, I contain multitudes.)
It serves as a personal reminder that I am never just one thing; that my constellation of wants, vulnerabilities, imperfections, and longings is not only in constant motion, but also precisely what makes me human.
Some time ago, I had a conversation with an intimate partner about accommodating my needs.
He seemed surprised. I had come across as strong and independent. The unexpected encounter with a more nuanced emotional universe seemed to contradict my established pattern of no-frills fun.
I could almost hear his brain making this sound effect:
“Whoa, whoa! This is heavy. What happened to fun, easygoing Anastasia? Does this mean I have to go do stuff to keep having all this fun?”
I’ve heard that before. We all have.
I wrote the following as a manifesto about breaking patterns of chasing emotionally unavailable partners, waiting for their schedules to open up, or accepting terms that are anything less than mutual.
I simply will not do it.
It may feel odd to include this on a career blog, but while this primarily speaks to our personal lives, it is also about acknowledging and honoring our needs in all aspects of our experience. It is about taking the power to demand exactly as much as we require.
I Take Up Space
I take up space.
I can only achieve a minimized and minimal version of my potential when confined into an emotional space that is too small for me.
My worth is not minimal. So neither should be my footprint.
I take up custom space. I am not a mass-produced mold.
It is not enough to fit into the space someone has pre-allocated for a partner. The space I take up will be custom-built for my partnership.
The right partner will want to create the custom space that is adequate to contain me, just as I want to create the custom space that is adequate for my partner.
I take up considerable space. I am not small.
I will never be satisfied squeezing myself into an emotional container that is too small for me, just to satisfy my partner. I, too, deserve to be satisfied.
I know that partnership takes work and I deserve this work. This work does not have to be small. And I do not have to accept a small amount of work.
I take up negotiable space. I am not a silent partner.
The space I take up in a partner’s life is mutually molded, and its creation is a joint composition. It is a duet, not a guitar solo.
No advice column, counselor, podcast, friend, or lover can tell me how much space I should ideally take up. Only I know how much space I require. And I get to decide.
I take up evolving space. I am always growing.
My partners describe me as fun, drama-free, and easy to be around. While that is all great, that is not my only role.
I evolve daily, like the rest of the living world. Artificial plants provide all the cheer of a well-placed topiary with none of the care instructions. But I need space to grow.
I take up space.
Just like our relationships, our work is a huge part of our lives. Is your job enough for you to thrive?